How to Save a Relationship

If you have the sinking feeling that your relationship is on the rocks, then it's time to reflect on your relationship and try to save it -- if it's worth it. If you want to know how to save your relationship, you have to re-examine your relationship and start to fix all of your problems to the best of your abilities. If you want to know how to save your relationship, just follow these steps.

Part 1 of 3: Reflecting

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   Think about what went wrong. Take some time to go for a walk or write in your journal to think about what went wrong in the relationship. Before you begin to talk about it with your significant other, you need to take the time to really think about the span of your relationship, how things have changed, and what has put the relationship in jeopardy.
   

   • This could be easy. There could be one major reason: maybe you or your loved one was unfaithful, and that changed the dynamic of the relationship. Maybe your boyfriend has been so depressed since he lost his job that he can't give you the affection you need.
   • More often, there may not be one reason that you can pinpoint, but a series of reasons for why things aren't working out. A lot of little things can start to add up -- for example, maybe he's spending too much time with his friends, or you never make time for each other, and you're both stressing at work.
   • Maybe you're growing incompatible. There's a chance that you've been together for so long that you've become different people over the course of the relationship.
   • There could be a lack of affection or passion. Maybe you and your significant other just aren't that excited about each other anymore.
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   Have an honest conversation with your significant other. Once you've had some time to reflect on your relationship, it's time to sit down with your significant other to discuss the course of your relationship. It's likely that this has been a problem for quite some time, so he or she shouldn't be thrown off guard. In any event, you should find the right place and time to open up a discussion about your relationship.
   

   • Start by letting your significant other talk. Let him say what he thinks went wrong or is going wrong, and discuss whether or not you agree.
   • Be methodical. Though it will hurt, talk about all of the things that have gone wrong.
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   Decide if your relationship is worth fixing. Many relationships end for a good reason, and it's time for you to decide if you even want to fix the relationship before you move forward. Maybe you really love and care about each other and want things to improve -- or maybe there's too much water under the bridge to repair the situation.
   

   • If one person's infidelity is the root cause, talk about whether or not the other person can really get over it. Though many people can forgive a cheater, many others can never get over it.
   • Decide if you see a future with each other. When you think of the future, is your significant other in it? If you can't see each other together in the long term, then maybe it's time to hit the road.
     
   • Decide if you can work through an external circumstance. Maybe you're unhappy because one of you is recovering from a death in the family, a job loss, or the unhappiness of living in a new and unwelcoming place. See if this will always be a major pitfall of your relationship or if you can work through it.
   • Decide if you two really love and care about each other. If you're still filled with love and affection and want to make things work, then it's time to start making a plan.
     
     

     
     

     
     
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   Make a game plan together. It's important that this is a two person process, and that both you and your significant other are committed to making the relationship last. Once you've both decided that you want to save the relationship, then you need to start making a plan for moving forward. Whatever you've been doing is clearly not working, so it's time to find a new way to make your relationship thrive.
   

   • Decide whether or not you want to see a relationship counsellor. This is a great way to have an objective perspective on how to make things better.
   • Decide how you'll begin to tackle whatever it is that's at the heart of the problem in the relationship.
   • Make time for working on the relationship. Plug "couple time" into your busy schedules and make sure to stick to your routine.

Part 2 of 3: Bridging the Communication Gap

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   Learn to open up again. Many relationships fail because couples simply stop sharing their thoughts and the details of their daily lives with each other. One day, you may decide not to tell your girlfriend about something that went wrong at the office, and the next, you may feel like you have nothing to talk about anymore.
   

   • Be honest. Learn to share your fears, anxieties, and insecurities with your loved one again. But don't forget to share the positive things in your life, too. If you're really excited about a new career move or a new friendship, don't keep quiet.
   • Share even the smaller details of your day. Slowly let your loved one back in by talking about what you've been up to that day, how your work week went, or what's going on with your friends.
   • Make time for opening up. You should have time to open up every day, whether it's during dinner, before bed, or even during a long walk in the middle of the day.
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   Work on compromising. A lot of relationships fail because both people feel that it's better to be right than to be happy. But if you want to save your relationship, you have to work on reaching a common ground with your significant other and to discuss big decisions in a way that takes both people into account.
   

   • Make big decisions together. If you want to make things work, don't ever make a big decision without taking your loved one into account.
     
   • Have a rational discussion before any big decision. Sit down and discuss your point of views, even making lists of your reasons for wanting to make a certain decision. Learn to balance your desires, and see if you can find a way that makes both of you happy. If your loved one gets his way, understand why the decision is important to him.
   • Make sure that both people know how to compromise. Don't be the person who always gives in, and don't be the person who always gets his way, either.
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   Stop fighting. Many relationships fall apart because couples spend most of their time together arguing about everything from which brand of toothpaste to use to how they can make time for each other. If you want things to work, you have to learn to stop fighting over everything, and to handle disagreements with poise.
   

   • Don't yell. Raising your voice will never achieve anything except making the other person mad.
   • Learn to speak calmly and slowly. You'll be better able to communicate your thoughts if you don't rush it.
   • Learn to listen. Part of the reason people yell is because they feel that their side of the story isn't being heard. Take turns speaking and voicing your concerns instead of talking at once.
   • Don't pick fights. Don't pick fights just because you're feeling mad about something else. This will only make things worse.
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   Don't be passive-aggressive. If something is actually bothering you, then speak up instead of keeping it all in. If you don't share what's wrong, then you'll only make things worse by fuming, staying silent, and taking your anger out on your significant other without him knowing why. Though it may be tempting to silently fume because it's easier than having a conversation, it won't make things any easier for you.
   

   • If you think your significant other is being passive-aggressive, ask him what's wrong. Be open about it, and hopefully he'll tell you what he's feeling.
   • Don't write your feelings in a note or an email -- this is also passive-aggressive and avoids real communication.

Part 3 of 3: Reconnecting

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   Find a new interest to pursue together. You need to make your old relationship feel fresh, and one way to do it is to find something completely new that you and your significant other can do together so that you feel like you're slowly crawling out of your relationship rut.
   

   • You can even just find a new TV show to obsess over; though it's a small step, watching it every week will give you something to look forward to, and you can cuddle while you watch.
     
   • Find a new hobby to do together. Take a dance, painting, or even a karate class, and have fun improving your skills together every week.
     
   • If you're the brainy types, start your own book club. Read a new book every month and meet over dinner to discuss it.
   • Get physical together. Go to the gym, hike, or take walks together to get your blood pumping as you reconnect.
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   Make time for romance. Plug "date night" into your schedules, and make sure that you both look nice, smell nice, and feel great before you set out together. You should try something new every week on your date nights, and make time to cuddle and let each other know how much you mean to each other. No matter how busy you are, you should always make time to put that spark back into your dwindling flame.
   

   • Write each other sweet notes telling each other how you feel at least once a week. Leave them in unexpected locations.
   • Part of making time for romance means putting the passion back into lovemaking -- make an effort to make love more often, to try new things, and to make love because you really want to, not because you have to check it off your to-do list.
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   Go on a trip. Though a vacation isn't a good long-term solution for any relationship, it can be a great way to get a new perspective on your love, to find your passion in a new environment, and just to get out of your own heads. Go on the trip that you've been wanting to take forever, or just take a quick weekend-long getaway to clear your heads.
   

   • Try a completely exotic location. The more out of your comfort zones you feel, the more you'll rely on each other.
   • If you take a long vacation, you can reconnect just by sitting down and planning all of the fun things you'll do when you get there.
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   Do something that you loved to do together. Though tastes may change, you should make time to do something you used to love doing together, no matter how silly it may be. If you used to love cooking Chinese food together, try it again. If you had once trained for a half marathon but are now feeling too out of shape, commit to the challenge.
   

   • Maybe you just loved to go to your favorite bar once a week to split a pitcher of beer and play pool. Whatever it is, try it again to see how it feels.
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   Take a trip down memory lane. Take some time to look through old photos, talk about old memories, or even laugh about the crazy people you used to know. If you have a favorite band that you haven't heard in a while, play your favorite songs. See if you can have fun quizzing each other on the random memories you both shared.
   

   • Go through an old box of mementos and talk about all the fun you used to have.
   • Read old emails that you used to send each other when you were feeling more passionate.
   • If you're really feeling nostalgic, take a trip to the place where you first met, or visit some of your old haunts. This will make you feel misty-eyed about your old love.
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   Start something new. Going down memory lane and doing all of the things you loved to do can help you reconnect, but in the end, you can't just draw on the past and have to work on making a new future together. Visualize the people you want to be, both individually and together, and work toward building a new relationship that draws on all of the old things that did work while addressing the things that failed.