I imagine that preparing for highly anticipated sex is a lot like planning
a fancy dinner party. I don’t cook, so I may never test the validity of
that hypothesis, but both involve a lot of painstaking planning, timing,
and meticulous work. I’m sure some women are mature and self-
actualized goddesses who don’t feel the need to shave, groom, or do
anything before they get naked and touch another human being that
they really, really want to touch. I am not one of them, and I’d like to
formally salute the other anxious ladies in this world with this one.
1) We shave. Shave it all. If I could afford it, I would most definitely
have a wizard with a laser remove all of the hair from my legs and
underarms, and possibly even my bikini line if that’s a thing that we do
now. I would tell her to put that shit on Star Wars-style blast and burn
off all of my body hair until I can walk up to a newborn and be like,
“Ew, you hairy beast.” Okay, I’m not a monster, but you get the point. I
want that shit gone. I kind of could afford it if I used a Lifebooker
coupon, but I’m not sure that I believe in using coupons when it comes
to lasering one of my major organs. I know, I know. I don’t need to
shave and many women don’t. Gender norms, femininity; I have my
Tumblr Bachelor’s degree, I get it. But something about the feeling of
rubbing my freshly shaved and lotioned legs together makes me feel
like, twenty times more stoked to get naked with another person. God
bless to all of you out there who shave your arms. It’s traumatic enough
for me enough to find missed patches on my legs after spending twenty
minutes dragging a tiny blade up them ever so gently, so I can’t
imagine the kind of angst that comes with finding an orangutan patch
on the arms you work so hard to keep weirdly smooth. Trust your
struggle.
2) We tweeze and wax. Oh, you didn’t think my eyebrows were
instruments of seduction? Au
contraire. If you’ve been on the Internet (cool, shitty place FYI) in the
past year, you know that ‘eyebrow game’ is a thing. And few things
make me feel like a new woman like shaping my eyebrows into strong
and beautiful bitch-in-charge contours above my eyes. When I win the
eyebrow game, best believe I’m feeling like I could kick even Cara
DeLevigne’s bushy browed ass. Also, I wax my upper lip because I’m
Sicilian and I don’t want a mustache. It’s true. If you and I were ever
stuck on a deserted island together, I would probably look like Mario
within four months. That truth is not sexy to me, so I buried it with
years of waxing, never to see the light of day, or the dark of any dude’s
apartment.
3) We tell our friends we’re going to have sex with you. Sorry. Maybe
this doesn’t apply to all of you moral angels out there in this online
world, but if I’m planning on having sex with a guy, I’m also telling two
different group texts of my closest friends that I’m going to do so. Why?
I don’t know. It’s a lot like sending them pictures of me in a dressing
room in different outfits I’m trying on. It’s fun and stops me from
making a terrible mistake out of desperation. Sorry, shitty guys and girls
of the world who have fucked a lot of people over. There is a roadblock
on your path. Try Tinder.
4) We think about it. We think about what you’re going to look like
naked, if you’ll be the kind of person who uses all soft, light touches
that almost tickle, or if you’ll be the kind who makes strong grabs that
feel confident and sure. We think about when it will happen, what the color of your sheets will be. For the love of God, we hope you’ll have
sheets. But I digress. Girls think about sex. We think about it a lot.
We’re told that we don’t and shouldn’t think about it as much as guys,
but then we do, and we catch ourselves saying things like, “I’m acting
like a dude.” No, you’re normal. Whether we’re thinking about having
sex with a guy or a girl or just sex in the abstract of maybe wanting to
have it sometime with someone, we’re still thinking about sex. Human
beings are kind of into that in general, regardless of gender. Science!
5) We plan. The logistics of this are essential. If I’ve already put all this
time and hair removing into it, then we’d better make it good. I’m not
trying to do this drunk after we run into each other at the local bar.
We’re making plans, whether it’s dinner, or Netflix, or brunch, or getting
stoned in your car and then watching Netflix, there’s going to be a
before, during, and after. I’m planning the day and the time and the
thing. Maybe I’m planning what I’ll wear. Maybe we’re thinking and
planning and doing all of this because we’re nervous and want to be
confident, or maybe it’s just a matter of making the time pass between
then and now, until there’s no distance, time, or space between us. Until
it’s just you, and me, and no before, nothing left to do but what we want
to do.
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